Manufacturing likes
...why I didn't send you what I wanted to.
ML Issue 46 - A weekly takeaway for creatives 🥡
“The more powerful and original a mind,
the more it will incline towards the religion of solitude.”
— Aldous Huxley
Mona’s notes
The title of the draft note I didn’t send you today was “The undeniable allure of being watched.” I began writing with energy and about two hours into editing, I lost momentum. Something felt off.
I asked myself: if no one responded, would you still keep writing this?
Yes. If I were seeking validation, I would have given up long ago - this newsletter still has fewer than 100 subscribers. I’m here to channel my desire to write.
So validation wasn’t the problem. I was anxious about the cynical reader.
The original piece was about wanting to be seen. While writing it, I became self-conscious about the very thing I was trying to name.
Would this be seen as vanity?
Attention-seeking dressed up as insight?
What if they unsubscribe?
So I did what I am very good at: I edited the piece to absolute dust.
I pulled an 8 Mile - laid every flaw on the table so the cynic couldn’t accuse me of vanity. I overthought every sentence, justified every sharp edge, until the note seemed to read: I’m afraid you’ll see me in a way I can’t control, and you won’t like me.
What a waste.
Last week, I wrote about leaving law for a creative life. Some thought it brave, but I had manufactured a safe space for myself in that piece. There was nothing to disagree with and so any judgment would have worked in my favour by proving the point I was already making.
Writing has always been my sharpest tool - medicine or poison. I don’t do deceptive, but I am selective, and surgical.
I have notes, thoughts and works that will turn people off, but I need to be ok with provocation. I would rather be disliked than forgettable, and by over-editing, I am slowly erasing myself.
Finally, I enlisted AI - my creative conspirator - to help me understand why I felt unable to publish that note.
It said:
The moral failure is not wanting attention.
The moral failure is pretending you don’t.
Damn.
So here it is: I want to be seen.
And I don’t need to justify it.
— Love Mona x
Q: What is heavier than it looks?